Remember my friend with the funny name, June, which is actually a really bad ass name in another language and spelled Jyun? The one always getting into trouble who I told you started a riot at the Grateful Dead Farm and managed to slip away undetected? Well as he got older, trouble still seemed to follow him everywhere he went as he told me one day about the time his cherished Cadillac violently parished.
Jyun used to hang around a pretty tough crowd, these guys were not to be messed with. They made The Outsiders look like the T-Birds from Grease. They were sort of like The Cowboys from the movie Tombstone only they took more drugs. They even spoke to each other in a strange kind of language that only they could understand. A kind of code, like some weird language twins teach each other and when he would talk about those days he would slip back into it and I could hardly understand him. I had to piece it all together like in A Clockwork Orange. These boys, they even called themselves the something boys, bug boys, bag boys? Something like that, it was more of a spoken language than a written one, so it`s hard to tell.
Anyway, they were all a bunch of characters, one guy in particular was straight out of a comic book, Marty. Marty was a real legend, he didn`t say much but when he did speak, the craziest sh!t would come out, he would say things in a real low, disturbing voice, like, “I remember the first time I was abducted.” or when there would be a particularly grusum murder reported on the news, they would all awkwardly look to him and he would say laughing, “Nope he he, not one of mine, not one of mine he he.” The funny thing was that he thought everyone else was crazy and would say in the same monotone, eerie voice, “Dude, you are ate, your brain is fried, really, you are ate the F*** up, you are sooo chewed, you are ate aliiiive!”
When Jyun was just out of High School he was moving around a lot and ended up staying at Marty`s place for a while along with a couple other LEGENDS. The first night he was going to stay there, he says he walked into the large, dark living room to find Marty sitting on the sofa talking in a low voice to someone on the telephone. Jyun, a little intimidated, just walked in, nodded, and dropped his duffel bag full of everything he owned in the world. Marty nodded, `come on in`, shaking his empty beer towards the refrigerator indicating that he should grab the whole 12 pack. Jyun sat down and drank away, uncomfortably watching the fishing channel on TV, Marty still mumbling away on the phone. After a minute or two, Marty pulled a pill bottle out of his pocket and popped a couple large white pills and handed a couple to Jyun who took them with a nod and a raise of his beer in gratitude, still not having said a word. Before the pills had met their mark, Marty reached for a pack of fags in his pocket and pulled out a spliff the size of a tree trunk, lit it, still going on about on the phone and they passed that pack and forth. Finally, after a few minutes, Marty got off the phone and said slowly, “Aye bo, what`s up? So you`re gonna be crashin` here for a while?” but by that time Jyun was so wasted he didn`t understand the question and had forgotten why he was there in the first place!
I don`t know how he got it but Jyun had this really cool Cadillac, only he never really liked driving it. I think one of the reasons all these guys wanted to hang out with him was cause he had the coolest car and would let anyone drive it. Whoever he was with, if they had had a few beers, Jyun would just throw them the keys and let them drive, Jyun was more than happy chillin` in shotgun, free to drink in the comfort of the Cadillac`s lofty front seat.
One night a bunch of the boys were at a bar drinking it up, and drinking it up good as they were known to do. And along with a good drink-up came the inevitable rowdiness, boys will be boys after all. But on this night a particularly good fight broke out. Good, not because the 2 guys fighting were such great enemies, but because they were great friends. Bad ass friends, Bad Bob and Barney, two of the biggest bad asses around, maybe in the city, maybe in the world! This was like Caesar and Brutus, Scarface and Manny, Billy the Kid and Pat Garrett, Ali and Frasier, well, OK, they were never friends, but that`s how big this was!
All of a sudden, “Fight!” tables were flying, bottles were breaking, bar stools were crashing, punches were swinging. It was great! But not so great that the staff of bouncers and cops didn`t put an annoyingly swift end to it and everyone was cleared out. But not before Barney said, in a cool Clint Eastwood way, something like, “Well alright boys, this pone`s gettin` sketted back at Barney`s”. (???) Well, alright then, back to Barney`s house it was. No one was gonna miss that!
So they stumbled into the parking lot to follow everyone out to Barney`s house, which was no small trek, by any stretch of the imagination. True to form, upon approaching the Caddy, Jyun casually tossed his keys to Marty when Marty uttered 7 words that he had never thought he would hear escape from Marty`s mouth, “Dude, I don`t think I should drive.” Now is the part of the story where, had it been a movie, you would start to hear that eerie background music and beg the movie screen for the two to turn back and call a cab, walk, crawl or just stumble home in the other direction. A little side note, when Adam Martin says, “I don`t think I should drive.” You should believe him, 100%.
Good sense was not in the cards for the 2 lads that night however, as Marty put up no further protest and they both settled comfortably in the sofa-like seats of the luxury vehicle, beers in hand. No more was said as you couldn`t hear anything over the powerful, standard equip, tape player that was blaring Pantara so beautifully loud that the back window would vibrate with every bass chord, and they were off.
The highway out to Barney`s house, the opposite direction of Marty and Gus` house, was as straight and long as it was wide and empty. So going at high speeds and a fair amount of swerving was easily dismissed. This went on for miles as they both enjoyed the ever forgiving comfort of the Cadillac seats and the well above par sound of the stereo system that really made you feel like you were in the comforts of your own living room, yet barreling down the highway at insane speeds. Cadillac, there really is no substitute, that car practically drove itself… so I`m told.
Once the off ramp rapidly approached, the Caddy swiftly weaved around another car just in time to make the exit. It flew up the ramp like the General Lee just before a big jump. The last thing Jyun remembered seeing was the car full of friends that were stopped at the red light they should`ve been stopping at and the look of horror on their faces as the Caddy flew past them. The steering wheel turned in vain, the tires screeched and then “Bam!!!”
Silence fell, Jyun blinked, a deep sadness overwhelmed him as he noticed the crushed Cadillac hood ornament that was inches from his face. He punched out some glass to make the hole that his face made in the windshield big enough to get his head back in the car and sat back down, checking the rest of his body for further damage. Marty pushed away the air bag that was blowing in his face and said, “Danm, that air bag hurt.” then looked over at Jyun in terror upon seeing his mangled state, “Dude, are you alright?”
“Yeah, I`m cool.” Replied Jyun. “Well,” said Marty, “I`m outta here, I`m wanted `n shit.” “Yeah, do whatever you gotta do man.” And with that, Marty was off, disappearing into the night. By that time the car full of friends from the other car ran up followed by police and various other rescue workers who, after a frustrating interview, had to swallow the story Jyun told them about a stranger he met at the bar (Jyun was about 3 years too young to be at a bar) giving him a ride home (he lived in the complete opposite direction) and rushed him off to the hospital. Leaving the Caddy there to be towed away to Cadillac heaven like The Blues Mobile at the end of the Blues Brothers.
So that`s the story of how Jyun`s Caddilac driving, or riding, days came to an abrupt end. Jyun`s face got a little banged up but nothing that wouldn`t heal, and the boys lived to drink another beer. Stay tuned for more Tales of June….